open & overflow.

[antivirus]

Comments

tfln. 05.26.23.

[antivirus]

1. Worse things to lose than a jacket, but it was a nice jacket.
2. Where's the biological superiority in 18 extra eyes, anyway? Contact fittings would be a complete nightmare.
3. You think they use chainsaws for landscaping or should I start getting concerned.

DEAD BY DAYLIGHT FLAVOR.
4. How soon is too soon for face off puns.
5. All right, you're on. First to six stuns wins.

𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘴.

[antivirus]

Let's just say this career path chose me. I doubt that'll change any time soon.

Re: 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘴.

[restraints]

You need to push for a raise, amigo. If I were somebody very important and worth rescuing, I would want my rescuer to be running off more than scavenged eggs.

[antivirus]

( honestly, it is a little surprising that he was planted in a foreign country, alone, and ill equipped, for such a high stakes extraction. shouldn't rescuing the presidents daughter merit more than a pistol, first aid spray, and tactical knife?? it is pretty tempting to bitch about the job he never wanted being under paid and under appreciated, but, look. he's still forgiving Luis for those Umbrella connections. he needs more time!!! )

Eggs and sushi, breakfast of champions.

( "sushi" is very generous phrasing for "fish I found in an unrefrigerated sewer". )

[restraints]

[ to be entirely fair luis was also hoping for a little more oomf on his own rescue, not that ada doesn't seem terrifying and competent. she just also seems like the type who might double the price at the very last minute, or decide she wants one of his kidneys as a tip.

it's nice to imagine the us govt might care that he's assisting in the rescue of their princess, but there's all those pesky arrest warrants to consider. if he doesn't ask any americans in the vicinity for help, then he can't be told no and also to rot in hell. win/win. ]

Don't think I haven't seen you trying to catch the snakes around here. You know those things are venomous, don't you?

[antivirus]

( well said pesky Americans with connections in the federal government probably would be an asshole about it, and then see what strings he has at pulling distance. after all, Leon would agree — Luis sticking his neck out to help them does merit some kind of leniency.

and something something may be a pain in the ass with a questionable work history but doesn't deserve to be brutalized by parasite worshiping cultists if he's attempting a change of heart something something. )

Not if you take the heads off.
Better than the beetles, that's for sure.

( .... .... .. ...... he's joking. right? LEON SAY JK )

[restraints]

[ ending R for 'ROT IN HELL, U BAD SCIENTIST' just seems a more likely outcome to him right now. statistically. also karmically.

also don't eat fucking beetles you lunatic. on that note, he's gonna be a srs science guy for a second: ]

A lot of the wildlife here has been-- contaminated.

[ do not give ashley double parasites, is what he's saying. ]

[antivirus]

( but they increase his health luis 🥺 )

I have a giant bug getting cozy in my chest cavity. I don't think it can get worse than that.

[restraints]

[ bruh have u considered the possible source of a sudden urge to eat bugs and snakes after being infected by a mind-altering parasite

EXTREMELY OMINOUSLY, ]

It can.

Oh, she won't be that big right now. She's working hard to keep you alive, and that stunts early growth. An advantage, in this case.

[antivirus]

How does it get worse than slowly having my mind taken over by a religious extremist via a bug wrapping itself around my spinal cord?

And I'd appreciate if we did not gender the parasite.

( LIKE HE'S GIVING BIRTH OMG KNOCK IT OFF )

[restraints]

[ well there's all the mutation options but maybe luis should exercise some tact and diplomacy ]

You could also get worms from eating things you find on the ground. Then you'd have double parasites.

Right, right.

[ like 7 whole seconds later ]

They are sexually dimorphic, though, so technically!

[antivirus]

( nevermind. no federal protection for Luis. Leon is calling his work wife AS THEY SPEAK to make sure there is NO FORGIVENESS. SALTED EARTH for Spaniards that specify it is definitely a female bug germinating inside him. )

When my head bursts into a mass of tentacles, the worms will be the plagas problem.

[restraints]

[ :( :( :( actually he has no idea he was just doing that thing where you call a ship 'her' because Man Reasons. he'd need more data to make a solid identification. ]

You're a pessimistic sort of person, has anyone mentioned that? You're going to be on a private jet back to the United States with the princess, drinking martinis and-- doing whatever it is that secret agents do, afterwards. Receiving medals?

You'll be fine. So will she.

[ if push comes to shove and they can't get to the lab, there's always the Super Extra Hard Way ]

[antivirus]

( the chance of Luis cutting out the plagas to crow "it's a girl" is too high. going full spaghetti head might be better after all. )

If you expect the worst, it's less of a surprise when it revs up the chainsaw.

And before you consider a career change, it isn't quite as glamorous as that.

[restraints]

[ he would never-- alright he might. there is in fact a non-zero chance.

but they're definitely going to make it to the lab so luis won't have to try field surgery in an actual field, and everything will be fine! he is manifesting that reality, or whatever. it will count for one (1) atonement. ]

Sancho, are you saying that Hollywood has lied to all of us? I will never recover. You even look the part.

[ not that ada doesn't also look like a supermodel who would cut him if he said that to her face, but!! he'd been very impressed for the whole 2 seconds he thought leon might be his mercenary savior, back when they met, before that hope was cruelly dashed. ]

[antivirus]

( sorry, Luis 😔 no "smokes" here. unless being a smoke show counts, and since Leon being hot has only ever kept him alive, it really shouldn't )

Maybe buddy up with a British agent next time. Optics might be better.

me running back to edit after an hr: NO WAIT I CAN MAKE IT GAYER

[restraints]

[ it's made the scenery in this shitfest slightly more bearable, although the raw egg/beetle/snake habit did downgrade leon to an 8.5 ]

I'd say gentlemen prefer blondes, but I would not turn down a man with a car equipped with miniguns and a flamethrower.

LMAO very important i appreciate and support you

[antivirus]

( wow he was joking about the beetle. probably. rocket launchers don't just buy themselves! )

Are you calling me blonde?

( Leon has been dodging all the flirty compliments like they're quicktime events, but apparently he IS hearing them and the idea he's blonde is where he has to put his foot down. )

𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘳_𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵.

[antivirus]

( Leon is not especially sentimental these days, but, he can make an exception for Claire. and for his poor MIA jacket. gone too soon, king ✊😔 )

Schlatt classic. Leather with wool lining. This old cop I met as a kid wore one, he was everything a ten year old could want a cop to be. When I had fed money I got it, figured why not.

[dear_heart]

[Claire does have that effect on people, it seems.]

Ugh. Sounds like a great jacket.

Can I ask what happened to it?

[antivirus]

No idea. There was this giant Spanish missionary with a fake eye, got injected with a hive mind parasite, and boom. Woke up chained to a Spaniard in some basement without it.

( in other news, WORK HAS BEEN ROUGH BESTIE )

[dear_heart]

Ah. So business as usual.

[Because when is it not rough, let's be honest?]

There's a joke in there about hive minds chaining you to a Spaniard somewhere, but out of respect for your jacket, I'm not going to dig it out.

[antivirus]

Everything changes, and somehow stays the same.

( there's always a lot of eyeballs and tentacles and zombies. )

I appreciate the restraint. The hivemind knew he worked for Umbrella, so clearly they don't know my type.

[dear_heart]

Even a hive mind has to get to know you first. Assimilation takes a time.

[antivirus]

They say dating in your twenties is rough, but I don't think I need ancient parasites to play matchmaker.

How about you, been chained to any Spaniards lately?