open & overflow.

[antivirus]

Comments

[antivirus]

( well said pesky Americans with connections in the federal government probably would be an asshole about it, and then see what strings he has at pulling distance. after all, Leon would agree — Luis sticking his neck out to help them does merit some kind of leniency.

and something something may be a pain in the ass with a questionable work history but doesn't deserve to be brutalized by parasite worshiping cultists if he's attempting a change of heart something something. )

Not if you take the heads off.
Better than the beetles, that's for sure.

( .... .... .. ...... he's joking. right? LEON SAY JK )

[restraints]

[ ending R for 'ROT IN HELL, U BAD SCIENTIST' just seems a more likely outcome to him right now. statistically. also karmically.

also don't eat fucking beetles you lunatic. on that note, he's gonna be a srs science guy for a second: ]

A lot of the wildlife here has been-- contaminated.

[ do not give ashley double parasites, is what he's saying. ]

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( but they increase his health luis 🥺 )

I have a giant bug getting cozy in my chest cavity. I don't think it can get worse than that.

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[ bruh have u considered the possible source of a sudden urge to eat bugs and snakes after being infected by a mind-altering parasite

EXTREMELY OMINOUSLY, ]

It can.

Oh, she won't be that big right now. She's working hard to keep you alive, and that stunts early growth. An advantage, in this case.

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How does it get worse than slowly having my mind taken over by a religious extremist via a bug wrapping itself around my spinal cord?

And I'd appreciate if we did not gender the parasite.

( LIKE HE'S GIVING BIRTH OMG KNOCK IT OFF )

[restraints]

[ well there's all the mutation options but maybe luis should exercise some tact and diplomacy ]

You could also get worms from eating things you find on the ground. Then you'd have double parasites.

Right, right.

[ like 7 whole seconds later ]

They are sexually dimorphic, though, so technically!

[antivirus]

( nevermind. no federal protection for Luis. Leon is calling his work wife AS THEY SPEAK to make sure there is NO FORGIVENESS. SALTED EARTH for Spaniards that specify it is definitely a female bug germinating inside him. )

When my head bursts into a mass of tentacles, the worms will be the plagas problem.

[restraints]

[ :( :( :( actually he has no idea he was just doing that thing where you call a ship 'her' because Man Reasons. he'd need more data to make a solid identification. ]

You're a pessimistic sort of person, has anyone mentioned that? You're going to be on a private jet back to the United States with the princess, drinking martinis and-- doing whatever it is that secret agents do, afterwards. Receiving medals?

You'll be fine. So will she.

[ if push comes to shove and they can't get to the lab, there's always the Super Extra Hard Way ]

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( the chance of Luis cutting out the plagas to crow "it's a girl" is too high. going full spaghetti head might be better after all. )

If you expect the worst, it's less of a surprise when it revs up the chainsaw.

And before you consider a career change, it isn't quite as glamorous as that.

[restraints]

[ he would never-- alright he might. there is in fact a non-zero chance.

but they're definitely going to make it to the lab so luis won't have to try field surgery in an actual field, and everything will be fine! he is manifesting that reality, or whatever. it will count for one (1) atonement. ]

Sancho, are you saying that Hollywood has lied to all of us? I will never recover. You even look the part.

[ not that ada doesn't also look like a supermodel who would cut him if he said that to her face, but!! he'd been very impressed for the whole 2 seconds he thought leon might be his mercenary savior, back when they met, before that hope was cruelly dashed. ]

[antivirus]

( sorry, Luis 😔 no "smokes" here. unless being a smoke show counts, and since Leon being hot has only ever kept him alive, it really shouldn't )

Maybe buddy up with a British agent next time. Optics might be better.

me running back to edit after an hr: NO WAIT I CAN MAKE IT GAYER

[restraints]

[ it's made the scenery in this shitfest slightly more bearable, although the raw egg/beetle/snake habit did downgrade leon to an 8.5 ]

I'd say gentlemen prefer blondes, but I would not turn down a man with a car equipped with miniguns and a flamethrower.

LMAO very important i appreciate and support you

[antivirus]

( wow he was joking about the beetle. probably. rocket launchers don't just buy themselves! )

Are you calling me blonde?

( Leon has been dodging all the flirty compliments like they're quicktime events, but apparently he IS hearing them and the idea he's blonde is where he has to put his foot down. )

:) :)

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[ instantly, ]

Do you want me to call you blonde?

[ YOLO + luis ain't never met a reckless slash potentially disastrous decision he didn't grab with both hands ]

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I'm not blonde.

( so... no??? and honestly he's too tightly wound to just AGREE to a nickname, it has to be forced upon him unwillingly and he'll grow to accept it begrudgingly. )

[restraints]

The saying is not 'gentlemen prefer light-ish brown slightly sandy hair but blonde in certain lights,' despite its greater accuracy.

[ even over text, leon can probably imagine the dumb shit-eating grin on luis's face ]

Maybe I should say you're not not blond.

[antivirus]

( ugh. this guy is so annoying. 😤 and not in a charming, endearing way, AT ALL!!! that's why Leon is still here having this conversation, when he has every capacity to ignore Spaniard scientists if he wanted to. )

I'm not blonde.

And pretty sure 007 doesn't have a flamethrower car, either.

[restraints]

[ pov of leon shooting dudes left-handed while angrily texting ]

Of course not, of course not. My mistake.

;)

There's one that goes invisible, surely there's a model with a flamethrower.

[antivirus]

( regenerators will wait for him to do a puzzle surely they'll take five when he has to tell off a Spaniard )

Seems a little ostentatious for him.

( Luis are you waiting for Chris Redfield to sweep you off your feet? because minigun flamethrower car sure sounds Chris-core )

[restraints]

[ well he did just say he wouldn't turn a man down etc, but redfield would never roll up in an aston martin if he could bring a basic bitch military truck instead

also not blond

also is leon just going to IGNORE HIS ATTEMPT AT AN EMOJI ]

It's stylish if it's hidden away in a very fashionable car. No points for something welded to the top of a truck.

Sancho, I can't believe I have not asked before now: you must have a callsign, yes?

[antivirus]

( Leon is just about as fun via text as he is in person. which is to say: hardly at all. you really gotta read between the lines for it. )

Not much of a code name if I just tell people what it is.

[restraints]

[ fortunately (unfortunately?) there's none competition right now. probably 95% of the people in luis's phone contacts r dead, unless he wants to text salazar.

ada left him on read rip ]

Who am I going to tell, the corpses?

Is it cool? Are you a double O?

[antivirus]

( Leon should definitely not tell the former Umbrella asset his code name. it just turns out he does not care that much about following protocol. what are they gonna do, fire him? )

Condor One. I said Turkey would do, if big ass birds was the idea. They didn't go for it.

[restraints]

[ oh no it's not cool at all. good thing nobody can see the former umbrella asset's face right now ]

very

majestic

[ what could possibly be interfering with his typing, is it the fact that he's laughing so hard ]

[antivirus]

( how does Leon JUST KNOW somewhere Luis is nearly in inappropriate tears at how stupid his code name is )

Yeah, yeah. Get it out of your system.

If cool code names is what you're after, you'll have to hold out for Bond.

( good news is if it takes a year or longer, he'll even be blonde !!! )